When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say
“It is well, it is well with my soul.”
A few years ago, my dad told me that this hymn was the one he wanted played at his funeral. Horrorstruck, I asked how he could think of something so sad at this point in his life, and he explained to me that his funeral would be one of joy because he’d finally be home with his Father. That even though it would be sad for those of us left to mourn, that we would be able to rest in the assurance that my dad would be with his Maker. And though I didn’t understand it at the time, I think I’m finally starting to now.
Something I haven’t talked much about on my blog is my the fact that my mom’s struggled with chronic illness for the past 18 years. When I was 6, my parents were preparing to take our family to China to serve as missionaries. We were living in Florida so my parents could attend seminary in order to be able to teach once we were overseas, and things were moving along quite nicely when my mom’s health took a sudden and serious nosedive. She found a strange little bug bite on her leg, and shortly thereafter became scary sick. Words like “cancer” and “leukemia” were being thrown around, and we spent more time in and out of doctors’ offices than I can remember. In the “end,” they diagnosed her with Lupus, an autoimmune disease where your white blood cells turn on your body and start attacking vital organs. Despite most of that year being a bit of a blur, I remember the first Christmas after she was diagnosed with Lupus with razor sharp clarity; she was so sick that she couldn’t even roll over in bed to sip a glass of water. Since my dad had to work that Christmas, I stayed with her to make sure she was hydrated. I remember being utterly terrified, not knowing exactly what was going on, but knowing that something was terribly wrong. Shortly after that, it became incredibly clear that China was no longer an option for our family with my mom being as sick as she was, so we moved back up to Virginia.
Over the past 18 years, my mom’s Lupus came and went in waves- some years were better than others, some were harder. Every morning she’d take a handful of various medications to keep her body from rebelling against itself, and every so often it’d rebel anyways. She was always tired, always sick. And I spent a long time being angry with her for missing out; band concert, football games, wedding planning.
Then last summer, my mom started to explore the possibility that she may have been misdiagnosed all those years ago, that maybe the reason she wasn’t getting any better was that because they were treated the wrong thing. After months of more doctors’ appointments, we finally found out that she was indeed misdiagnosed- that bug bite? It was from a tick. She has Lyme Disease. Tears of relief were shed- after 17 years, we finally had an answer. Hope began to swell in all of us- maybe now that we knew the problem, she could start to get better. Maybe she’d get her energy back. Maybe we’d finally see a glimmer of her old, boisterous self.
The thing about Lyme is that if you catch it early enough, with intense rounds of treatments doctors can usually eradicate the disease from your body. But with 17 years of Lyme rooting itself firmly in my mom’s body? From where I sit, the outlook is a bit bleak. She was prescribed a year and a half of treatment cycles. That’s a year an a half of more medication, of self-administered shots, of fatigue so intense that she can often sleep for 48 hours straight. A year and a half of impaired cognitive function, of missing out on family gatherings downstairs while she rests in my parents’ bedroom. The side effects of the treatments were severe enough that my mom had to temporarily stop working as an elementary school teacher this past Spring.
Throughout all of this, I’ve been battling to keep hope. I’ve all but stopped praying for a cure because after 18 years of watching medicine fail, I’ve lost faith. And after months of watching insurance companies (pardon my language) screw my family over when their job is supposedly to BE there for you, I’ve become resentful. Angry with a system that’s failing us, angry with the universe for the hand we’ve been dealt, angry with God for letting my family suffer in all the ways we’ve suffered. Angry that I was robbed of the joys of planning my wedding with my mom by my side, frustrated over all the things she missed when I was growing up. I feel robbed, jipped, slighted.
But God never promised me this life would be easy. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you suddenly get an EZ Pass to blow through the “trials and suffering” lanes. Quite the opposite- he tells us to prepare for the suffering we will endure. 1 Peter 4:12 says “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you…” WHEN it comes, not if. And the beauty of having my trust in Christ is that I know it’s NOT all for naught. That’s there’s some purpose behind all of this, that even though I may not be able to it right now, I can trust in the Lord with all my heart to lead me and love me through it all. So that even when my parents’ appeals are rejected and the insurance company refuses to cover her Lyme, even though it downright sucks and I’m on the brink of hopelessness, He’s still there. THAT’S what the song “It Is Well” means. Peace in the face of fire, faith in the face of hopelessness. No matter how bad things get, Jesus is my rock and my salvation, and then when everything else seems unstable, I can cling to Him and He will keep me grounded.
Being a Christian doesn’t mean that I can’t get angry about the injustice of a broken insurance system, and it doesn’t mean that it’s wrong for me to cry out to God when I’m hurting. But it does mean that I have the peace of knowing my God has NOT forsaken me, and even though I don’t understand the purpose behind these 18 years of sickness and suffering, that I can rest assured that none of it takes God by surprise. That he will never leave me and my family, never hang us out to dry, never let us alone to figure it out without Him. And though it’s frustrating, uncomfortable and sometimes rage-inducing, that He will always be in control. And that as bleak as the outlook may be, it’s never hopeless.
Jeremiah 29:11- “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Happy Wednesday, friends.
It is well
November 28, 2012
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Oh Abby, I am so sorry to read this. I completely understand those feelings. My mom was misdiagnosed for years before we finally discovered she has MS. I remember the anger and confusion. I remember the relief, and then the realization that even though we knew the name, there was still trial ahead. Im so happy that this song gives you peace. I hope your Mom will be healed!! Dont stop praying boldly. Hebrews 4:16 is a great reminder. Thank you for being so open and honest friend!!
amen amen amen!!! it downright SUCKS when stuff like that happens. then you’re like, “why me, God? i’m not strong enough for this.” at least that’s how i have felt these past few months. it doesn’t make sense now, but it will one day. whether on earth or in heaven, you’ll see God’s plan in all of it. just stay strong and trust God. this will all be used to bring glory to Him and will be okay in the end according to His plans. keep your head, girl! i will be praying for you and your family to have strength, rest, patience, hope, and trust. stay strong and know that God is right there with you! <3
I do not always understand the why in suffering but I am learning that God wants my heart to trust Him even when I can not see. It is not easy, often a wrestling for me. 1 peter 4:19. I will pray for your mother’s recovery and treatments!
This is really, really good, Abby. Praying for your mom and peace for all of your family.
This was such an amazing post. Thank you for your honesty! It could be tempting to sugarcoat a topic like this.
This hymn has been especially meaningful to me personally, mostly because whenever I sing it or think about it, I am reminded of the story behind the hymn (which I’ll include at the bottom of this comment)….it was written in the midst of such terrible loss and it always helps me to look at my own circumstances differently.
It also reminds me of my favorite verse:
Therefore we do not lose heart, though our outward nature is wasting away, our inward nature is being renewed day by day.
2 Corn 4:16
It makes me think that no matter what is going on in our lives, God is working on our hearts.
Thanks again for sharing!!!
_______________
“This hymn was written by a Chicago lawyer, Horatio G. Spafford. You might think to write a worship song titled,
‘It is well with my soul’, you would indeed have to be a rich, successful Chicago lawyer. But the words,
“When sorrows like sea billows roll … It is well with my soul”, were not written during the happiest period of
Spafford’s life. On the contrary, they came from a man who had suffered almost unimaginable personal tragedy.
Horatio G. Spafford and his wife, Anna, were pretty well-known in 1860’s Chicago. And this was not just because
of Horatio’s legal career and business endeavors. The Spaffords were also prominent supporters and close
friends of D.L. Moody, the famous preacher. In 1870, however, things started to go wrong. The Spaffords’ only
son was killed by scarlet fever at the age of four. A year later, it was fire rather than fever that struck. Horatio
had invested heavily in real estate on the shores of Lake Michigan. In 1871, every one of these holdings was
wiped out by the great Chicago Fire.
Aware of the toll that these disasters had taken on the family, Horatio decided to take his wife and four
daughters on a holiday to England. And, not only did they need the rest — DL Moody needed the help. He was
traveling around Britain on one of his great evangelistic campaigns. Horatio and Anna planned to join Moody in
late 1873. And so, the Spaffords traveled to New York in November, from where they were to catch the French
steamer ‘Ville de Havre’ across the Atlantic. Yet just before they set sail, a last-minute business development
forced Horatio to delay. Not wanting to ruin the family holiday, Spafford persuaded his family to go as planned.
He would follow on later. With this decided, Anna and her four daughters sailed East to Europe while Spafford
returned West to Chicago. Just nine days later, Spafford received a telegram from his wife in Wales. It read:
“Saved alone.”
On November 2nd 1873, the ‘Ville de Havre’ had collided with ‘The Lochearn’, an English vessel. It sank in only
12 minutes, claiming the lives of 226 people. Anna Spafford had stood bravely on the deck, with her daughters
Annie, Maggie, Bessie and Tanetta clinging desperately to her. Her last memory had been of her baby being
torn violently from her arms by the force of the waters. Anna was only saved from the fate of her daughters by a
plank which floated beneath her unconscious body and propped her up. When the survivors of the wreck had
been rescued, Mrs. Spafford’s first reaction was one of complete despair. Then she heard a voice speak to her,
“You were spared for a purpose.” And she immediately recalled the words of a friend, “It’s easy to be grateful
and good when you have so much, but take care that you are not a fair-weather friend to God.”
Upon hearing the terrible news, Horatio Spafford boarded the next ship out of New York to join his bereaved
wife. Bertha Spafford (the fifth daughter of Horatio and Anna born later) explained that during her father’s
voyage, the captain of the ship had called him to the bridge. “A careful reckoning has been made”, he said, “and
I believe we are now passing the place where the de Havre was wrecked. The water is three miles deep.” Horatio
then returned to his cabin and penned the lyrics of his great hymn.” (http://www.biblestudycharts.com/A_Daily_Hymn.html)
Oh, Abby. This brought tears to my eyes. I know what it’s like to struggle with chronic illness (low thyroid and other hormone problems), and I have a lot of friends who have chronic Lyme. (Including Kelly Sauer – you know her, right? You should talk. She knows a ton about what works and what doesn’t work as far as Lyme treatment goes.) It’s not easy, none of it is easy, but you’re right that God will never hang us out to dry.
This is a beautiful and honest text of you Abby. Beautiful because it shows that none of us are alone. That we all struggle. I love how you are honest with yourself and us, the readers, because the bloggosphere is not always bright and smilling and positiv thinking. some days are different and made for sharing from the heart and sharing pain. I think it´s courageous!!
~ Tanti salutiiii.
Your Pawpaw warned me to get my tissues out before I read this! It has been a long struggle and I, like you have gone through periods of being angry, resentful, feeling hurt or cheated. Watching my once vibrant, beautiful daughter being chronically ill has been scary and heart wrenching for me. Thanks for being so honest and for the compassion you show in this post. My prayers go up every day for Karen and the rest of your family. Love you so much!
Hey Abby, thanks for sharing! I’ve had a similar experience, watching my mom suffer with illness. I really look forward to when Isaiah 33:24 is fulfilled.
Thank you for sharing this, Abby! How wonderful that we have a God who has our best interests in mind, even if it doesn’t seem like it at times. Your family is resting in the palm of His hands – the most secure and safe place to be. I’ll be praying for you and your mom!
Thanks so much for sharing, Abby!
my heart breaks for you, abby. my mom was sick for many many MANY years before she passed and i know what it’s like to watch your parent go through that and to watch your parent be in pain and not be able to do the things she wants to do. please know that i am praying for you – and even though we’ve never met in real life, if you EVER need someone to talk to about this that has a little inkling of understanding of what you’re going through, please don’t hesitate to let me know. <3 you.
Wow, I had no idea about your mom. I am so sorry. I have tears running down my face just from reading thing. I pray that God will bring you & your family peace during these difficult times. I can’t imagine the struggle you all go through each day w/ this.
Abby I’ll be praying for you and your family. Thank you for sharing. Your words were beautiful and a good remember of what being a Christian really is.
I love this song. It has been meaningful in my faith walk as well. My heart breaks for the struggles your family endured. It doesn’t make sense but “it is well.” Prayers for your mom and family.
Wow, thanks Abby, and all your friends and blog followers!
I’m Abby’s Mom and I love what she has shared above. I’ll only add to it that through all of these years my trust has been in my Father to get me through it all. While Abby and the family were downstairs celebrating a birthday or family dinner, I was upstairs in bed crying because I couldn’t join them. To combat the frustration, I chose to think of the things I had to be thankful for. That is the perfect antidote. I couldn’t change the pain and health challenges but I could find things to be thankful for. That brought an irreplaceable joy and continues to this day, while I still struggle. That’s what I tried to teach my kids and I think Abby seems to have taken this to heart!
PS:The photo Abby chose is from her brother, Ethan’s, wedding. The look on my face is not sorrow, but joy about his happiness and fatigue from the day. That partial face to the far right is Abby’s other brother, obviously having a good time!
What an awesome testimony, Abby. I work with students at church and lately we’ve been talking about being thankful in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). It is so difficult to be thankful even when we’re facing hard times, but I think you’ve said it so well – we can ALWAYS be thankful that we don’t have to endure it alone. Thank you for your honestly and willingness to use this trial to speak truth to your readers.
XOXO
beautifully written abby
Wow. I’m not even sure how to reply to this post, but I felt absolutely compelled to comment and tell you what a beautiful post it was. Thank you so much for sharing <3