I didn’t intend to take a two week break from blogging, I promise! It just sort of happened. Because when you don’t plan, schedule, create a blogging calendar, and just WAIT for inspiration for a brilliant post to hit you… you don’t post for two weeks.
Truth be told, things have been a little zany over here! I mentioned in a blog post a while back that Matt & I were seeing a fertility specialist. We love Dr. Cook! She’s been incredible to work with, and we both feel so much more at peace with things right now.
The fact of the matter is, though, that fertility treatments can be emotionally draining (not to mention time-consuming). We’re remaining optimistic and HOPEFUL, for sure! But it’s definitely taken away from the time and desire to blog like I was accustomed to.
For anyone who’s curious, we decided to pursue IUI, going along with my natural cycle. After all our diagnostic tests, everything came back as normal, so rather than experiment with a bunch of hormone meds (because none of my levels were off), Dr. Cook recommended we try IUI. I was really excited! I’d figured we’d need to wait a few months, try a few other methods, before we’d be allowed to try IUI. But Dr. Cook thought it was the most logical next step, so we took it!
We had out first round in March and our doctor was really encouraging- all our numbers looked good, the timing was good, so we were feeling pretty optimistic. But within a few days, this knot of anxiety settled into my chest, right behind my sternum, and refused to leave for two weeks. And with what everyone says about “stress not being good for babies,” I had a feeling round 1 was going to be a failure.
I was right- round 1 didn’t yield a pregnancy. But in a way completely at odds with my past reactions, it didn’t destroy me! My prayer for those 2 weeks we were waiting was that the Lord would give me PEACE, no matter the result. And he did! He was so faithful. I was disappointed, sure, but it didn’t tear my world apart like the “no” normally does.
We decided to go ahead with a second round, so we’re in another place of waiting. And you know what? I feel ok. We’re ok! Is it hard? Heck yeah it is!
But I have finally started letting go of “my plan.” And THAT has made all the difference in the world.
I won’t pretend- it’s been a REALLY hard pill to swallow. I’ve always managed to be somewhat in control of my future- my job, my relationships, our living situation, it was never out of my control.
But this? This isn’t something I can control. Sure, we can seek help from a fertility specialist, but even the most “surefire” methods like IVF still only have a 50% success rate. It’s not in my control.
And that’s ok.
Hard, yes, feeling like the thing you want the most right now is being denied, and knowing you’re doing everything you can and it’s still not working. But it’s still ok. Because my hope isn’t grounded in whether or not God gives us a baby- my hope is in Jesus.
My hope is in the fact that God is good, and sovereign, and that none of this is happening because he’s forgotten about us- I don’t know why we’ve had to wait for two years, but I know that whatever the purpose is, it’s GOOD!
So we’ll keep waiting. And though it feels completely contrary to what would be normal, it does seem to get a little easier with each passing month!
Photos by our dear friends Justin & Mary