Filed in : Personal

Infertility can be a hard topic to talk about in general, but especially on my business’ platform. I love that my profession and our resulting platform has the ability to bring joy, and hope, and comfort to our couples when things are hard, by the very nature that their wedding photographs represent the very first day of their journey in marriage.

Visual proof of where they began, and that no matter how difficult things might be in the moment, that Day 1 began with a series of vows. I love how positive that is, and that my business is based on capturing joy that might one day serve as a catalyst for redemption, whenever my couples ever need it!

So then, how on earth do I talk about something as crushing & seemingly hopeless as this nearly-three year journey of infertility?

I’ve had to learn that just because there’s not a pretty Insta bow to be tied around our story, that doesn’t mean there isn’t beauty, redemption, and GOODNESS to be found in our story!

Hard truth: the longer we’ve walked this road, the more I realize things may never come to be resolved how I’d like them to be. Despite the intense process and higher success rates of treatments like IVF, there’s still a ~60% chance we could come home without a pink-faced little one, wrapped in a gauzy newborn blanket. That outcome, the one I want so deeply, was never guaranteed, no matter how entitled I feel to it.

And yet, I still have hope! Only now, I’ve come to understand that true hope isn’t in circumstance, or in gifts received or withheld:

My hope is in the promises of God. My hope is in the fact that I was lost, a slave to sin, and that I am now whole, free, and redeemed through Jesus.

It something that won’t make sense to anyone whose faith isn’t in Jesus. It doesn’t make sense how in the face of sorrow and mourning, we can still lift praises to a God whose perfect love NEVER abandons us, even when our deepest longings aren’t met. We are NOT forgotten, and I know the joy of sitting at the feet of Jesus in worship is enough! If nothing ever went “my way” again, He will still be enough for me. 

That doesn’t mean my sorrow isn’t heavy; it IS. It’s heavier than I can sometimes put words to, the sort of sorrow that sometimes makes you feels like it’s going to devour you whole.

But still: in all my sorrows, Jesus is better.

I was lost, but now am found: the good news of the Gospel gives more life + hope than can be drained away by sadness.

That doesn’t mean the sorrow and sadness don’t exist anymore, but it does mean that grief and hope can somehow exist alongside one another.

Finding hope in infertility | Abby Grace

We’ve had a few friends ask about where we are in the process these days, so here’s where we’re at: we had hoped to start IVF in March, but after receiving the final cost information from our fertility clinic and realizing just how much of a financial burden it’s going to be once all is said and done, we’re holding off for the time being. Which is, in its own way, another set-back.

We’re almost three years into our wait to start a family. Now we’re waiting again, this time to begin whatever the next step is, whether IVF, or moving onto something else. And even still, within those first two frames, there’s still the monthly wait of “…maybe this time?”

I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to put it off any longer, and I keep battling with the internal refrain of “Haven’t I waited long enough at this point?!”

In all candor, I have never known heartache like this before.

But neither have I ever come to know hope and peace like this, either. 

And even if we never get to see two lines on a pregnancy test, that has made it all worth it.

Than all my sorrows, Jesus is better. 

Life updates, and the wait within the wait (within the wait)

March 22, 2018

  1. Denise Karis

    March 22nd, 2018 at 11:20 am

    Oh no, Abby…. I wish I could fix this for you… I wish I could fix this for any woman walking this road. You’re in my heart, darling.

  2. Amanda Hedgepeth

    March 22nd, 2018 at 11:41 am

    Abby your faith is amazing. It is absolutely compelling to see how you perfectly balanced using heartache and hope in the same post and it actually made sense. I pray for you so much knowing that you are on this tough journey and my heart just wants this for you so badly…I will just pray all the time for you to have this continued hope and peace in this wait. I love you friend!

  3. Gale

    March 22nd, 2018 at 12:07 pm

    Only someone who knows the love of Jesus could write like this. I pray God answers all of your prayers a baby and I see how he holds you in perfect peace.

  4. Emily

    March 22nd, 2018 at 12:07 pm

    Thanks for your boldness in sharing your heartache and your hope. It takes a lot of faith and maturity to utter the words “Jesus is greater”. I am praying that your vulnerability will encourage others who don’t yet trust that Jesus is greater still. I think you’re doing some Kingdom-building by what you have shared. But I am so sorry for the sadness and the sorrow you are experiencing.

  5. Sabrina Fields

    March 22nd, 2018 at 12:08 pm

    Love you, friend. The waiting is the hardest part of almost anything. But the beauty of Jesus is that having hope in him doesn’t make sense because the peace he brings in the midst of turmoil shouldn’t even exist. Yet it does. And that’s why I have the word HOPE in Hebrew on my wrist. He is my hope in the midst of any circumstance, blessing or tragedy. I know the desire to be a mom is so strong and whatever plan He has for you guys, I can’t wait to see it unfold. Because whatever babe He brings to you guys will be BEYOND loved, cherished and inundated with all things Harry Potter (as every child should be) 😉

  6. Mary Neumann

    March 22nd, 2018 at 3:18 pm

    Praying for you, amazing friend. You are often in my thoughts, and I so admire your faith and peace amidst the struggle. Sending lots of hugs and love. Xoxo

  7. Rebekah Carter

    March 23rd, 2018 at 8:02 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You don’t deserve it. But I know you will be an amazing mother someday, no matter how that happens.

  8. Lydia

    March 26th, 2018 at 5:44 pm

    Amen and amen. Thanks so much for sharing and living out this beautiful picture of hope even in the midst of heartbreak!

  9. Chelsea Anderson

    April 17th, 2018 at 5:57 pm

    Praying over you now.

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